A Longer Life Update

Hi guys. It’s been around a month since I have posted something on this blog and I am so sorry for that (whoever may be waiting for anything on this site). It’s just been such an emotional month for me and I am still trying to heal. I thought I was going to be able to get back on my feet and be active like I did before what happened but I just wasn’t able to. I was thinking that I will be able to get my thoughts away from what happened by doing the things that I was doing before like reviewing, writing for this blog, editing photos, and all of that things but I was too weak, I admit that. What has happened just had this big impact on me that I think it will be something that I will be looking back to many times throughout my life.

I was supposed to do a blog entry on my trip to Baguio with my family. However, I just feel that doing that isn’t right and the idea just makes me feel uncomfortable. It just makes me look like I was having a good time when in fact I’m not at all. The declaration was made when my family and I were already on our way to Baguio and I, personally, was called by her friend in college about it. When she called, I sounded much stronger. But I think that time when the news came, it didn’t sink in that much yet. So I just continued on with my day with my family and tried to smile and hide the pain I had from visiting her the night before. It just impacted me that night when all of the people who we grew up with messaged me for confirmation and asking me for any details on her wake. Telling the story to so many people just feels like having the news in an audio playing repeatedly like a broken record and it was hurting me each time I have to talk to somebody about it. I am not angry that people decided to reach out to me for information because people know that I was her closest friend back when we were in high school and they would think that I would know all of what happened and what to know and they are right about that but each and every time I have to talk about it, the news just became a lot more real and clear to me and I was in pain. I cried so hard that night and I feel so sorry to my mom, brother, and sister for ruining the vacation vibes that they may have coming there. My family totally understood my condition and my mom became emotional even. She told me to just let it out and even have me eat it out. I was thankful for an emotional support physically with me. But of course, the thoughts don’t stop whatever I do.

I just basically lost most of my motivation in doing anything that time. I just have these thoughts of what ifs and whys. To have someone you have been so close with go so quick like that was heartbreaking. It was something that none of us thought would happen at our age. As I go through these thoughts and emotions, I messaged a few of my closest friends and just told them to take care of themselves. I know that what happened to her was quite inevitable but the least that my friends can do is to look after themselves and that I hope that my friends and I will be able to make a lot of memories throughout our days here on this planet because that is the one thing I regretted the most with all of this. I was not the kind of person to constantly pull my friends to go somewhere and just hang out and I don’t even talk to them as much as other people do with their friends. That’s just who I am but one thing for sure is that I will talk to them like we haven’t really not talked to each other for months. All of my friendships were low-maintenance and that was really convenient. But I think because of it, we haven’t made that many memories together after high school and I just feel quite envious of those who are able to meet their friends constantly and do what it takes to be able to go on adventures together and just be able to make as much memories as they can. But what can I do now at this point is just do that with the friends that I have still with me here on Earth. I just have to wait for my time in order to talk more with her.

I won’t go into details much longer but one thing I have to say is please treasure your friends. Make memories with them. Because you wouldn’t want to regret not being able to spend time together later when the time comes that you will be separated from each other. Also, I hope I’ll be able to heal and go on with life. I haven’t really accepted the fact that she has passed away yet and it is still hurting me some times whenever I remember but I hope I will be able to move on. Please include her and her family in your prayers.