The Step To Hope

I am literally typing this out lying in my bed with my mom sleeping peacefully

beside me at 12:34 AM, already July 7, Saturday. However, having to go to

other places the next hours and days to come, I should do this while I have

the energy to do so.

Having been in this world for 21 years, I have experienced a lot and I have not

experienced a lot at the same time. I am quite the sheltered introvert who

prefers scrolling through the cyberspace but then not every experience is felt

and witnessed outdoors. I believe when I was young I was not the type of kid

who smiles a lot and plays easily with strangers because I still have a lot of

shyness and trust issues with regards to people who I don't know today. I get

discouraged easily and I can't deal well with criticisms, especially after I

experienced being bullied just because of my appearance. I don't have the

best abilities in me and I get shunned by everyone. I get the old end of the

stick and I probably am too kind to anyone that I suffer at times. It's been a

tradition that I either cry myself to sleep or rush to a room where no one will

see how damaged I am.

I may be damaged and hurt, but that doesn't mean I am unreparable. When

there's that little spark of hope, I hold onto it as tight as I can because that

might be the only thing that saves me from losing fate in myself, in all the

people that surround me, and in all of what is in this world. I get discouraged

easily but I know and crave for that rush of excitement. I wanted to always

feel happiness. I wanted to feel like I can be myself anytime and that I can

do whatever that I want to do without being affected by the harsh reality that

I have known and the people who only do is criticize my every move.

I wanted to be just me.

Hence, I think I should push myself into doing the things that would benefit

my life. I don't normally show people what I do, whatever that is. But I want to

be confident of myself. I want to assure myself that everything is alright and that

I shouldn't mind whatever other people would think of me. It's a birthday gift to

myself in a way and I think it will be great in the end. I hope my future self will

be a better version of myself today and that she will be thanking this past me

for pushing myself out there.

Happy Birthday, M. Hope you have a great one and I pray that you'll go through

more. Be you, always.